What Hinders Men from Being Good Husbands?
The answer might surprise you, or it might lead you to think, “That’s not me; it must be something else!” Yet when we examine the recurring themes in marital challenges—arguments, tension, and emotional disconnect—the root cause often comes down to two key factors:
Insecurity and Pride
Insecurity: The Silent Underminer
You might think, “I’m not insecure.” But before you dismiss this idea, take a moment to reflect. Insecurity often hides in plain sight, manifesting in ways we don’t immediately recognize. For example, have you ever found yourself criticizing your spouse?
Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that “The tongue has the power of life and death.” When insecurity creeps into a man’s heart, it can influence his words, leading to criticism. Criticism might take the form of remarks about your spouse’s appearance, how they clean the house, or even how they interact with you. These words, though subtle, can cause deep wounds and create division.
Take a moment to evaluate your reactions: Are you critical in your speech? This could be a sign of insecurity. Criticism is just one way insecurity shows up—it’s a symptom of a deeper issue.
Another manifestation of insecurity is the constant need for validation. It’s natural to want affirmation, but insecurity takes it to another level, turning validation into a necessity.
As men, we’re called to be leaders in our homes, but leadership doesn’t mean relying on others to affirm our worth. Ephesians 5:23 calls husbands to lead as Christ leads the church—with confidence, love, and self-assurance. Yet, if we’re constantly seeking validation, it reveals a lack of inner security.
For example, you might find yourself asking your wife repeatedly if you did a good job on a project or chore. As a personal reflection, I’ve experienced this as a songwriter. I would constantly ask my wife to listen to my music and affirm its quality, not realizing that my insecurity was driving this need. Whether it’s in music, household tasks, or other areas, this cycle of seeking validation can burden your marriage.
“I’m Not Good Enough”
Another pervasive thought linked to insecurity is the feeling that nothing you do is ever good enough. This might sound familiar: “Why does she always complain about how I do things?” While it’s essential to discern whether this stems from your perception or from real issues in the relationship, the Bible reminds us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that God’s grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in our weakness.
When you feel inadequate, turn to God for strength and guidance. By anchoring your identity in Christ, you can counter the lies of insecurity and embrace your role as a husband with confidence.
Pride: The Second Barrier
On the flip side of insecurity is pride—a refusal to admit faults, seek help, or be vulnerable. Proverbs 16:18 warns us that “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” Pride might lead you to suppress your grievances, thinking it’s better to stay silent than risk conflict.
But marriage thrives on open and honest communication. Ephesians 4:15 encourages us to “speak the truth in love.” Holding back your feelings for fear of conflict often stems from insecurity masquerading as pride. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength that builds intimacy and trust.
Overcoming Insecurity and Pride
To grow as a husband, acknowledge these barriers and take them to God in prayer. Philippians 4:6-7 reminds us to present our concerns to God, promising that His peace will guard our hearts and minds. Seek wisdom from His Word and trusted mentors to address these issues head-on.
Ask yourself:
Am I critical in my words or actions?
Do I seek validation excessively?
Do I avoid sharing my true feelings out of fear?
Am I allowing pride to keep me from admitting my faults?
The Relationship Between Pride and Insecurity
At their core, both pride and insecurity stem from the same source: an unstable identity. When your sense of self-worth is not rooted in God, you begin to rely on external measures—achievements, validation, or control—to feel secure.
Insecurity whispers, “You’re not enough.” It plants seeds of doubt, leading you to question your abilities, decisions, and even your worth as a husband. Pride, on the other hand, steps in as a defense mechanism. It shouts, “I’ll prove I’m enough!” Pride masks insecurity with a façade of confidence, self-reliance, and control.
The tragic irony is that pride and insecurity fuel each other in a vicious cycle:
1.Insecurity makes you feel inadequate.
2.Pride responds by overcompensating, refusing to admit weakness or seek help.
3.Pride-driven actions often lead to failure, conflict, or disconnection, reinforcing feelings of insecurity.
How Pride and Insecurity Manifest in Marriage
- The Fear of Being Wrong
Insecurity says: “If I’m wrong, I’ll look weak or incompetent.”
Pride responds: “I can’t admit I’m wrong.”
This dynamic can make it difficult for a husband to apologize or take responsibility for mistakes. Instead, he may shift blame onto his wife or justify his actions. Over time, this erodes trust and creates resentment.
Example: You make a poor financial decision. Instead of admitting your error, you rationalize it, blaming external circumstances or even your wife for not “supporting” you enough.
Biblical Insight: “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2). Wisdom comes from acknowledging our mistakes and learning from them, not from pretending we’re always right. - The Need for Control
Insecurity says: “I feel out of control or uncertain about the future.”
Pride responds: “I’ll take control of everything to protect myself.”
A husband who struggles with insecurity may lean into prideful behaviors by attempting to control decisions, finances, or even his wife’s actions. This can come across as domineering or dismissive, leaving his wife feeling undervalued and unheard.
Example: You insist on making all major household decisions without consulting your wife. While you frame it as “leading the family,” it’s actually driven by a fear of losing control.
Biblical Insight: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Leadership in marriage is not about control; it’s about sacrificial love and partnership. - The Desire for Validation
Insecurity says: “I don’t feel good enough.”
Pride responds: “I need constant affirmation to feel secure.”
Insecurity can drive a husband to seek validation from his wife excessively, whether through praise for his work, appearance, or decisions. While it’s natural to desire encouragement, pride twists this into a constant need for approval, placing undue pressure on the wife to affirm her husband’s worth.
Example: After completing a task, you repeatedly ask your wife, “Do you think I did a good job?” or “Was that okay?” When she doesn’t respond with the level of enthusiasm you expect, you feel unappreciated or even resentful.
Biblical Insight: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10). True confidence comes from seeking God’s approval, not relying solely on others. - Avoiding Vulnerability
Insecurity says: “If I’m vulnerable, I’ll be judged or rejected.”
Pride responds: “I’ll keep my feelings to myself.”
Pride convinces a husband that sharing his struggles or emotions will make him appear weak. Instead of opening up to his wife, he suppresses his feelings, which can lead to emotional distance.
Example: You’re stressed about work but refuse to share your concerns with your wife. Instead, you act irritable or distant, leaving her to wonder what she did wrong.
Biblical Insight: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” (James 5:16). Vulnerability fosters intimacy and strengthens the bond between husband and wife.
Breaking the Cycle of Pride and Insecurity
To overcome the destructive partnership of pride and insecurity, you must address their root cause: a misplaced identity. Your worth and security should come from God, not from achievements, control, or validation from others.
- Anchor Your Identity in Christ
Recognize that your value is not determined by your performance or others’ opinions. 2 Corinthians 12:9 reminds us, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Embrace your imperfections and rely on God’s strength. - Cultivate Humility
Humility is the antidote to pride. It allows you to admit mistakes, seek help, and prioritize your wife’s needs over your ego. Philippians 2:3-4 encourages us to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” - Be Vulnerable
Share your fears, struggles, and insecurities with your wife. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s a sign of trust and strength. Ephesians 4:15 calls us to “speak the truth in love.” - Seek Accountability
Surround yourself with godly mentors, friends, or counselors who can help you identify and address areas of pride and insecurity. - Commit to Prayer and Scripture
Regularly seek God’s guidance through prayer and study of His Word. Allow Him to reveal areas of pride and insecurity in your heart and transform you into the husband He’s called you to be.
By acknowledging how pride and insecurity work together, you can break free from their hold and build a marriage that reflects the selfless love of Christ. When you lead with humility, love, and grace, you not only strengthen your marriage but also honor God in the process.
Transform the Word 
Leave a comment